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A court in Moscow has sentenced Zeinap Suyunova to 10 years in a penal colony for preparing a terrorist act in Moscow on New Year's Eve 2011. Investigators said Suyunova was a member of an armed gang from Dagestan who...
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German police temporarily detained some 400 demonstrators during largely peaceful protests by Occupy activists in Frankfurt on Friday. About 1,000 people turned out at some of the unauthorized protest rallies across...
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Turkmenistan, a Central Asian state, on Friday unveiled the world's largest Ferris wheel in an enclosed space. The 47.6-metre structure holds 24 six-seat cabins. They revolve inside a massive glass and white-steel...
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Germany's finance minister estimates that Europe's debt crisis could last up to another two years. “In 12 to 24 months we'll have a calming of financial markets,” Wolfgang Schaeuble said, speaking on French radio...
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All servicemen were evacuated from a burning arms depot in Russian Far Eastern Primorye Region on Friday. The Ministry of Emergency Situations said about 2,000 residents are being evacuated from the nearby area. Two...
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Ankara has threatened reprisals against companies bidding for oil and gas drilling projects off Cyprus, whose government is not recognized by Turkey. Companies which cooperate with the Greek Cypriot administration...
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Iran and the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) are making headway towards a framework deal on how to tackle concerns about its nuclear program, Reuters said, citing Western diplomats. The agreement is needed...
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The head of a UN observer team Maj. Gen. Robert Mood has called for an end to the violence so that the mission can build on talks between the parties. No amount of observers in Syria can achieve a permanent end to the...
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Japan has made the country's first commercial launch of a foreign satellite. The HII-A rocket lifted off from a remote southwestern Japan island carrying the South Korean satellite and three Japanese satellites, AP...
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Spanish stocks dropped sharply on Friday morning after ratings agency Moody's downgraded its credit score of 16 Spanish banks, AP reports. Moody's late Thursday cited banks' load of non-performing loans, their trouble...
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Pyongyang has denied a claim that it jammed electronic signals on hundreds of flights and ships in South Korea. The North's Ministry of Post and Telecommunications on Friday described the claim a “smear campaign,” AP...
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Three bombs have struck a bird market in eastern Baghdad, killing four people and wounding dozens, Iraqi officials said. The Friday morning attack targeted a bird market in the Shiite neighborhood of Sadr City, AP...
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An insurgent attack in Afghanistan has killed two members of the international military coalition, NATO said on Friday. They died Friday in eastern Afghanistan, AP reports, citing the alliance’s statement. It did not...
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­Thirty-four people have been killed after a bus overturned and crashed into a river in central Vietnam. It smashed through the rails of a bridge and plunged over the side. The bus was travelling from the central...
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­Gunfire has broken out in a prison in the Venezuelan capital where security forces fired stun grenades and tear-gas at armed inmates. Authorities blamed the violence on a confrontation among prisoners. The Caracas...
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­The Olympic Torch has been handed over to Britain during a Thursday ceremony in Athens. It has been on a week-long relay across Greece since being lit in Olympia, the birthplace of the ancient games. The flame will be...
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­The autopsy on Trayvon Martin, the Florida teenager shot dead by neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman, has found evidence of marijuana in his system, prosecutors revealed on Thursday, according to AP. The...
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­A gay pride march in Georgia has ended in clashes with members of the religious group Union of Orthodox Parents. Around 20 people tried to march on one of Tbilisi's main streets, marking the International Day Against...
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­Police are continuing to arrest protesters at an opposition camp in central Moscow. At least six people have been detained, some for giving out food to campers, Interfax news agency reports. Police consider this to be...
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­Prominent Russian opposition leader, Ilya Yashin, has been sentenced to 10 days in jail for disobeying police officers. Yashin was arrested Wednesday night during an anti-government demonstration, along with 30...
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­The US will give Israel an extra $70 million this year for short-range missile defense, the defense secretary, Leon Panetta, said on Thursday after meeting his Israeli counterpart, Ehud Barak. President Obama ordered...
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­Fitch credit ratings agency has downgraded Greece to CCC due to the “heightened” risk that the country may be forced out of the eurozone. Fitch named the success of parties with anti-austerity policies in Greece’s May...
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­US Senate Republicans have not approved a revised packaged of new economic sanctions on Iran's oil sector. Republican leader Mitch McConnell explained that his staff had no time to review the draft of the bill,...
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­The estranged wife of Robert Kennedy Jr. died of asphyxiation due to hanging, said a medical examiner in suburban New York. Fifty-two-year-old Mary Richardson Kennedy was found dead on May 16 at a family property in...
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­Celebrated US singer Donna Summer has died of lung cancer at the age of 63. Although her career spanned four decades, Summer reached the peak of her popularity in the 1970s through a string of hits that helped define...
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­Israeli officials are outraged by the International Olympic Committee’s refusal to hold a special tribute to the 11 Israeli team members killed by Palestinian terrorists at the 1972 Munich Games. Instead of launching...
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­A passenger bus has collided with a truck on the Sochi-Krasnaya Polyana road in Russia. At least two people have died and some 12 more suffered injuries as a result of the accident, Interfax news agency reports.
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Republican presidential challenger Mitt Romney and his party raised a combined $40.1 million in April, AP reports. They nearly match $43.6 million that President Barack Obama and the Democratic Party raised last month....
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Pakistan's President Asif Ali Zardari said on Thursday that he will attend the upcoming NATO summit in Chicago. The invitation was given after Islamabad indicated it plans to end its six-month blockade of supplies...
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Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said on Thursday that he would like to attend the Olympic Games in London. “I would like to be next to our young athletes at the 2012 Olympics but the host has a problem with...
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At Google, philanthropy is a core value. This year we gave more than $100 million to various organizations around the world — including $40 million in grants that celebrate the giving season by supporting four causes that we consider particularly important: science, technology, engineering and math (STEM) education; girls’ education; empowerment through technology; and fighting human trafficking and modern-day slavery. We invite you to celebrate the giving season along with us by learning about these organizations, the great work they’re doing, and how you can support them.


Bryce Harper Asks Manager Where Bats Come From


JOPLIN, MO—If Trevor Mahoney had reserved the U-Haul like he said he would, we wouldn't even be having this conversation in the first place, dick.


SEATTLE—A string of independent bakeries in the Seattle area apparently provided enough material to warrant a 73-minute documentary titled Rise: The Resurgence Of The Artisanal Bakery, 27-year-old Netflix browser Cyrus Wall observed Sunday.


Never-Used Bike Still In Pretty Good Shape


NEW YORK— Yankees manager Joe Girardi announced at a press conference Tuesday his plans to give the pitching mound a few days of rest to fully recover from enduring eight grueling innings of hurler CC Sabathia. "A long outing of Sabathia r...


Jubilant Rangers Throw Skates Into Stands


Pushy Hermit Crab Girlfriend Wants To Move In


Dear The Onion, I don’t have a Facebook account, but I just wanted you to know that I enjoy your publication. Please add one to whatever number of likes you currently have online. Carly Durland, Binghamton, NY


MINNEAPOLIS—According to customers, a fiberglass sculpture of a fat mustachioed Italian stereotype recently placed in front of Gunther's Pizza has provided irrefutable proof of the restaurant's high standard of excellence.


Mr. World Peace changed his name last year in order to show he'd rejected the hooliganism that got him in trouble as Ron Artest, but he's also coming off a seven-game suspension for a blind elbow.


Ohio Film Festival Graphic Designer To Go With Film Reels For The O's


GOLDSBORO, NC—Anticipating the very likely need for rapid medical evacuation, a fleet of ambulances from several regional hospitals took up positions Saturday at the edge of Fairview Park, where a group of 41-year-old former college friends had gath...


TLC 10:00 p.m. EST/9:00 p.m. CST Eddie returns to Cleveland, where he hasn’t been since he was a kid, and is surprised to find they built the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame there.


A study published in The Journal of Physiology demonstrated that rats given substantial amounts of high fructose corn syrup learned and remembered less than a control group.


HARRISBURG, PA—Josh Newton, 32, wouldn't say that Thursday was a complete waste, since he did watch nearly every video about Jeffrey Dahmer on YouTube.


SMU Adds "Do Not Resuscitate" To Larry Brown's Contract


The transportation secretary flips out on a pothole in Baltimore, a man wearing red glasses and pink pants is probably Dutch or something, and an Ohio Film Festival graphic designer decides to go with film reels for the O's. It's the week of May 14th, 2012.


NEW YORK—In response to evidence an increasing number of former players are showing what doctors say can only be described as "Jose Canseco–like symptoms," the MLB announced Friday it was launching an investigation into whether ...


Faking outrage or egregious injury in order to draw a penalty, once the purview of soccer players, is becoming more and more common across all sports these days.


That One Kid In High School Who Had A Hearing Aid: We Check And See How Bad His Hearing Is Now


47 U. MAJORIS STAR SYSTEM—Roughly 18 months after discovering the collection of common Earth sounds contained on the golden record placed aboard the Voyager probe NASA launched in 1977, extraterrestrial Richard Ellinger, 237, admitted Friday ...


A new DVR sold by the Dish Network comes with the capability to pass over ads and is sending shockwaves through the television industry.


MIAMI—After straining his abdominal muscles, Miami power forward Chris Bosh will be out indefinitely in what appears to be a severe case of poetic justice for his arrogant and presumptive team, sources close to the Heat confirmed Tuesday. An MRI per...


Local Man Shot With Girly Pistol


New Vikings Stadium's Retractable Base Moves Structure To Los Angeles As Needed